Just prior to turning 41 I filed for divorce. This was an agonizing decision I had wrestled with for several years. Losing my bid as plaintiff in court I spent the ensuing months possessed of considerable anxiety over the propriety and consequences of the decision and its subsequent loss. I was fearful of having taken a course in life for which there was no remedy for my children, and had consigned myself and them to an endless misery. The struggle to find useful purpose in 19 years of non-functioning marriage consumed my daily thoughts. I had failed miserably to be a decent father on more than one occasion. Against this backdrop I found myself suddenly extricated from the trivialities of bachelor living to another existence. On the night of November 8th, 1991 I retired to bed much earlier than usual. The date is peculiar as it was the 56th wedding anniversary of my deceased parents, the same day of the week, the same time of evening of their ceremony, and at the time of this experience I had not any knowledge of these details. The last thing I remember seeing before falling asleep was looking at my alarm clock which read 8:30PM.
The next thing I was conscious of was walking north on the sidewalk outside the house where I grew up. This house was demolished as were most of them on the street by the 1970s. Presently my parents walked up from behind and “spoke” to me about going into the house to discuss important matters. After some unknown length of time discussing my marital situation with my mother we exited the house back in the direction they had arrived and we made ascension into another place via a swirling dark vortex. There were a number of people who were also entering and departing. It all seemed so natural and ordinary. The moment we entered the blackness, we moved at such speed I don’t remember anything of the journey, only the arrival at a quarried stone building used for consultation--the kind people engage in to obtain a clearer sense of purpose.
We arrived at a room on an upper floor and my mother instructed me to enter through a door to our left where I would be visited shortly by way of their prior arrangement. I would guess the room was on the order of twenty to thirty feet on each side. I was alone and the room was empty and windowless, but well lit without evidence of artificial lighting. Presently the door opened and a man came in, dressed in simple white robes. He was taller than I, about six feet. He had a strong build without looking excessively muscular, and walked with perfect confidence. His hair was white with some moderate curling, and it appeared to flow down around his head like a waterfall. Within a moment I recognized him, not from his facial features, but from the aura of his countenance. I suddenly remembered we were friends and that we had spent time with each other often before I had entered mortality. It was a flood of warm memories instantly unlocked. As He approached me I knew him to be Jesus and the same overwhelming, enveloping love I had experienced with my mother years earlier flowed from His being. Only His was much stronger and radiated farther out. I was also aware of His immense age. He had been alive for a very long time in terms of planetary years. My impression was at least a quarter million, but there is no way to quantify it in mortal terms. I was not nearly as old as He.
I was filled with deep feelings of respect and esteem for Him, and He for me. I felt a measure of awe, and filled with a wonderful sense of value in being privileged to have had His friendship all of my existence. The conversation though mental and extremely fast went something like this:
Jesus: (With considerable affection and slight humor) “You know we could have had this visit a lot sooner, but your attention was so riveted on your mistakes and guilt none of us could reach you. We’ve been waiting.”
Smee: (Feeling a lot of remorse and humiliation) “I did not know who to trust, not for lack of trying to find intelligent help. I tried really hard in spite of all the adverse situations to do the right thing, and made a serious mess of my paternal stewardship. I fear my children may never recover from my mistreatment of them, and then the divorce turned out far worse than I had anticipated. What hope have they now of growing to adulthood without serious relationship issues? I feel really hopeless about their prospects for a functional life. I can’t help wondering if I could have found some way to hang on in spite of their mother’s indifference to our emotional needs.”
Jesus: (brilliant with love, acceptance, confidence) “I know about all you have gone through, all you have done for good and ill, about your children, their struggles, and their fate. They will be fine, you have not damaged their lives “beyond repair”, and they will be attended to while in the flesh, just as you have been. None can judge or condemn you for your mistakes and their evil consequence but you alone. It is not mine to do either, but only mine to extend the helping hand to those who are willing and in need, to lead them through the door of transcendence. The measure of mortality is not in the mistakes men make, any lack of conviction, will, or power to control. It is not through merit nor my “grace” as the world perceives it that Man obtains transcendence and redemption. The purpose of mortality is not after the manner of Man’s conception, and therefore the value of the soul is not predicated upon the concepts of fallibility nor merit. Rather mortality’s purpose is to experience powerlessness and by it magnify the virtue of compassion and love, for love is the very essence of power in all of Creation. The measure of your life will not be in the misdeeds nor the good deeds you have achieved, to be weighed in a balance scale. It is solely by the amount of love you have administered to those who need it, that their own flame dies not. Your fallibility and its consequences are redeemed through my love as it is in all love, as you permit it to have influence in your life. The purpose of life is in how much you grow in love, for these mortal experiences are but a process in this journey of Being. The only harm you can commit is refraining from loving others when they require it, and erecting prison walls of guilt, remorse, and unforgiveness about yourself. To do so delays growth and produces exquisite, unnecessary torment from which not even Man’s God can deliver.
So that you may find rest to your soul, let us review your life from the beginning. Let us examine your choices and the growth you have obtained from them. You shall see the whole of your life, all that it was before mortality, all that is has been to now and may be until you die the mortal death, and where these choices are leading you to.”
Smee: (gaining courage and hope) “Lead on Lord. Restore my soul. Show me who I am.”
Presently the walls seemed to fade away and in their place scenes from my life appeared. It was panoramic, only all around me. It was like stereoscopic vision, with multiple scenes happening, past, present and future, each with their own issue and events pertinent to a particular cusp. I had never imagined it would be possible to learn on such a scale. Here we think, read, and speak in serial form. There, it was in parallel, the mind multitasking each subject with complete ease. As I learned from observation and a kind of interactive process with what I saw (the scenes changed according to what I wanted to understand), I marveled at how there seemed to be no limitation to the amount of information the human mind could process at once. It has taken a number of years since this review to unzip all those packets of entwined learning and put them into a serialized form I could articulate. Even then it has been very difficult to put into words for there is often no analog of experience in mortality with which to describe those things.
The whole of my life was there before me, behind me, all around. I could analyze and evaluate all I wished to while at the same time absorbing the meaning of each experience and knowing its value. I saw my earliest experiences up to entering the physical body, all that had transpired in it, numerous possibilities yet to be chosen, the transition of dying, and returning home. It was like conversing with a congregation of souls and not losing focus with a single individual, all the while correlating the meaning and significance of each person’s communication into an integral whole. It was real-time; being in tune with Creation, being in touch with life. This panoramic review continued for quite some time. It seemed but only an instant, yet in retrospect encompassed subjectively most of the “day.”
At length when I was satisfied, understanding that which I had seen, I had another question, like a yearning.
Smee: (great curiosity and thirst for understanding) “Lord, I want to know why we are, what we are to become. Where can I go from here, after mortality is finished? Is it possible for such a seemingly insignificant person as I among innumerable souls, many of whom possess great capacity, to amount to something of value to the whole of Man’s existence? What IS Man’s Destiny?”
Jesus: (laughing with delight) “Those are big questions that are not easily answered. To gain those answers, one must learn many new ideas, and that requires experiences of growth. But come along, let us visit some of the different levels of progression that Man has achieved. Let us behold the marvels of that which they have attained. It will be a fun experience!”
Smee: (terribly agitated with excitement) “Yes! Let’s go see what others have become! I want to see what if any, limits there are to what I may achieve, and how much happiness can be created.”
So with Jesus close by my side we traveled great distances over the next “day”, stopping to observe many places throughout this region of space, how other souls had chosen to realize their potential. Most of those localized civilizations we observed from a distance. There was little interaction with them because of my lack of sufficient growth to comprehend the nuances of their objectives. Our perceptions and understanding of Creation comes in stages of development. This is hard to explain. The Universe is endless. It is not possible to take it all in. If I were to guess, we went to the local group of galaxies. I’m pretty sure it was not limited to just our own, which is relatively young. But the scenes were magnificent. Beautiful creations everywhere, both in Nature, and that which Man had invented. There was a level of happiness and love in each one unique to their enterprise unparalleled in anything I had contemplated or beheld before. Satisfied that there was plenty to keep me occupied for a very long time, and prospects for happiness and beauty unlimited, we returned to the same room we had departed from.
Feeling immensely edified and enlarged, saturated with awe and wonder at those scenes I had observed, I wanted to keep them forever in my heart and mind. I had to ask:
Smee: “Going back to my mortal life, can I retain what I have learned from our adventure?”
Jesus: (very amused but steadfast) “Knowing now what you do about yourself, do you believe you can refrain from trying to manipulate life and avoid the painful experiences to come? Do you believe you can still realize the full growth you want by circumventing the hardest parts and still arrive at the person you want to be?”
Smee: (dismayed and acquiescing) “You are right. I could not resist trying to avoid the painful parts. I would only succeed in making my life and the lives of others more complicated. But I don’t want to go back to that feeling of hopelessness and despair for the future. I need to know I will get through all those things and mortality will turn out well. How can I know I am making the right choices?”
Jesus: (brilliant again with His love and compassion) “Most of these things will be suppressed in your memory, particularly what you have observed in our journey together. This is necessary so that you will not be overwhelmed by them when you experience the challenging events to come. The torment of the contrast will make them all the more difficult and cause you to shirk them. However, you can be permitted to remember particular portions of what you have seen and learned after the critical moments have passed, so that you can know you are still heading in the direction you want to go.”
Jesus extended His hand and touched me with His index finger on the forehead between the eyebrows, and then again midway on the breastbone while speaking thus:
Jesus: “I seal these memories in your mind and heart, to be held in reserve until the end of mortality. You will know and remember only that which is needful to sustain you in tribulation, to give you hope and peace to your soul. You will not be alone, but can receive of my presence as you desire to be comforted.”
His touch changed me in ways I cannot describe. I felt transformed, as if a part of me was supplanted with something greater. It was a sense of surety, of confidence and self-assurance. In a way it felt like being reunited with my pre-mortal self. The emotional impact was almost overwhelming. I felt myself return to my physical body briefly, restless with a remorseful agitation for the person I had been, and then leaving that distraught person behind. Instantly I was back in His presence, feeling whole.
Jesus: (exuding joy and gaiety, pointing to the room’s corner behind Him a long table appeared, laden with comestibles) “Let’s celebrate this time together. Here is a banquet of fruits and vegetables to refresh ourselves.”
At this juncture my parents entered the room and we all feasted to our satisfaction upon the most exquisite tasting food I’d ever had. Jesus then departed to attend other matters. The next thing I remember was arising from sleeping in a second floor bedroom of the old house mentioned earlier. I trotted down the stairs which were adjacent to the kitchen. Somehow I knew mother was there, and seeing her she greeted me. I asked her where dad was and she said he had matters to attend to. I was disappointed. I had not heard him utter a single word the entire time. I had hoped we could discuss those issues that had bothered me when living in that house, and now he was gone.
I asked mother if any of what I had experienced actually happened, or if it was all just a fabrication of my own dreaming. She said it indeed did happen, just as I had experienced it in every detail, and that I should not deny it, for it would be cause for regret. She had been preparing something to eat for us and I sat with her enjoying a breakfast I could not remember having done since a young boy.
I awoke in a manner similar to the previous time she had visited with me. It was an event of strange disorientation, a kind of vertigo, but not of physical balance. It was somewhat like stepping between two moving trains, one traveling at a different height and speed, combined with a sense of awareness of location changing over a great distance. I was there, then rapidly and with the sensation of extreme movement, like stepping onto a people mover at an airport, I was here. I felt the sense of elapsed time change, and was instantly awake and alert. Opening my eyes I saw the clock which glowed with the time of 12:30 AM.
There have been moments over the intervening years I've cursed having experienced this epiphany. Before it happened, it was never something on my mind, the transcendence of a spiritual quest. All I wanted was answers to some basic issues that had plagued me since my earliest childhood memories. Like many people who have passed through their Near Death Episode and struggled with adjusting to living in this world of flesh, I've had my moments too. I don't like in the aggregate being here. I love the living beings on this planet more than I did before. The beauty of this planet is extraordinary in its depth and variety. I went through a period of increased sensitivity to light, irritation with hard raucous music, and an increased revulsion of news broadcasts or TV/movie programming that focuses on denigration of the human soul. I no longer have any interest in religion. It is a creation of Man, and its method of operation is domination and control of the human soul. Contrary to popular belief of the religious, it is the most stifling activity man can engage in to prevent spiritual growth.
There have been sudden moments of illumination of people's lives I hardly knew and knowing from it the troubles they would have if they didn't relinquish their lust for control of life. I wrestled, and at times continue to wrestle with depression during personal setbacks or that of other people who lose their health, spouse, or friends. I'm not one of those people who can say I am better for having been through this. There have been times when it has been a light to my footsteps, imparting courage and confidence to those who falter from their own burdens. At times the love of Jesus has sustained me in full confidence, rarely for myself, but to lift up the dispirited. There are still certain things that scare the bejesus out of me, but none of them to do with death. The thing I fear most is a protracted illness, fraught with pain and disability, that would encumber those closest to me with an impossible burden. I have been a helping hand over the years to such people and their family. It is not an easy task to lift up the hands of those who've lost their courage and spirit from travail.
Perhaps someone may find the answers here that I was searching for. The one thing that has stuck with me all this time is the extraordinary certitude I have about it. Religion was never my source of faith or conviction. For me, the answers I received imparted a clarity of understanding that surpasses all other forms of learning. May this story help restore a sense of personal value to an ailing soul.
SethSmee
